Now that school has started up again, I have to focus on the first parts of this. The Anxiety. For some reason, I have the unwanted joy of anxiety attacks. I remember in 10th grade, sitting in my history class and suddenly feeling like I was going to die. Yes I’m being over dramatic, but if you have ever had an anxiety attack you would understand. First you start to feel like your throat is closing in around you, the same feeling I used to get when my mom would force me to wear turtlenecks (I hate turtlenecks!) Then I would start hyperventilating and my vision would get blurry. When it first happened I remember walking out of the classroom in silence, and then sitting on the ground drinking water. I thought that it was due to something that I had eaten earlier.
I forced my parents to take me to the doctor, but they couldn’t find anything wrong, and it happened a lot over my high school career. I decided that if I had a chocolate cookie while it was happening, it would make me feel better and for some reason it did. I think it distracted me from freaking out, but it wasn’t solving it.It’s interesting how fear manifests itself in such a physical way, because anxiety is just fear. In high school it was fear of failure, and now in college, its fear of not reaching my potential and achieving my dreams. Luckily for me the amounts of anxiety attacks has lessened since high school, and I am learning to trust God about it.
My father has decided that my problem is that I don’t know how to relax, which is sadly true. Even when I’m on vacation, I spend a lot of time freaking out internally about the mistakes that I made in the past semester. When I’m anxious, I can’t sleep, I don’t eat and I am all together unhealthy, it sucks.
It’s amazing how much we allow things to become bigger than they are. For me doing well was so important that sometimes, it felt like a life and death situation when it isn’t. We put so much pressure on ourselves to do well in school, and our career that we don’t enjoy our life. I can honestly say that I did worse in school when there was so much pressure that I put on myself. In my head failing meant that my life was over, when it wasn’t.
I’m learning to chill though, and not be paralyzed by my fears. I have to remember that God has complete control of my life, and that freaking out doesn’t make a situation better, it makes it worse. I’m learning to not be anxious about anything and trust that the God who gave me my dreams and purpose, will follow through in working it out. Most of all, I need to remember to thank God for even letting me know my purpose when I asked. It isn’t easy and sometimes I feel like I’m way over my head, but I also know that God can help me out, so it’s alright.
What causes you anxiety, and how does it manifest? How do you deal with it?