One of the reasons why I named my blog, “The Joy of Ordinary Days” is because the reminds me of the importance in finding happiness in the smallest things everyday. This weekend has been emotionally trying and I find myself confused about so many things. Despite the beliefs of some people around me, the constant talking that I do, doesn’t come from the need to hear my voice, but from habit.
I remember the day like it was yesterday, except I don’t remember the date or the time. For me that day was the day when I decided that I needed to find a new view on life, if not for me, for my loved ones.
For three years, I had battled depression in the confines of my heart. I never sought for help and the desperate cries that I could send to God were at the very least, a cry for help. It wasn’t that I wanted to hurt anyone, and really the pain of self-inflicted death wasn’t something that seemed pleasant to me, but I felt like I had no choice. For years people described me as smiley, and I played the part very well. I never wanted anyone to see me cry, because the idea of burdening people with my struggles was worse than death. Instead I felt the need to always talk, always smile, always have this façade about what I was going through, so that people wouldn’t ask questions, or question my motives. Honestly, it wasn’t like I understood what was going on with me, and many times, the darkness that I felt was engulfing me was frightening. To be honest, I had my reasons for feeling the way that I did. but I had hidden them so deep within me, I couldn’t have found it, if I was forced to try.
There was a moment when someone else did what I didn’t have the ability to do, and the suicide of this beautiful girl, was enough to make me leave the land of depression for a few weeks. I saw the pain, and the frustration, most of all I saw the guilt of those who had known her but not seen her struggles. I decided that I needed to stop being depressed and that as college was starting, I would start all over.
What I didn’t realize was that, depression has a cause. Yes people want to say that it is chemicals that are imbalanced and whatever, but based on experience, it is deeper than that. For me it was a loss of hope, self-worth, purpose and self-loathing. I think in those days, God heard a lot more from me, than in anytime of my life. I got to college with this new desperation to move on, and be stronger, but God had a plan that was different from what I had planned. While I wanted to cope with it, he wanted to deal with it. In October of my freshman year, I came face to face with my past in a way that I couldn’t have imagined, suddenly the root of it all was clear, but I couldn’t handle it.
(Part 2 Coming Up)