I’ve been thinking a lot, and that’s a great thing. It means that I’m being challenged to grow and evaluate the way that I’ve view things. Last weekend I went to church, and there was prophetic preacher there. Since the guy was pretty on point about his prophecies on people and where they were, I was interested in what he would say about me. I had all these things I wanted an answer to, and I hate to say it, but I was treating it like he was my personal psychic.
What he prophesied had absolutely nothing to do with my questions, while I was wondering about my future, and my academics, he prophesied about boys/men/males and how I needed to watch out and I laughed. I laughed the way that Sarah laughed when she was told that she would have a child, even though she was old and thought that her reproductive systems were dried up. And that bothered me.
So I started thinking, about my self-esteem, and I cried and cried in my car, in the dark, in the silence. I cried because the idea of having guys interested in me, seemed so ridiculous to me. After all based on what I see in the standards set by society, I am not the type of girl who guys date. I’m the friend that they keep, the friend that gives them advice on girls, the one who they laugh with about stupid things, but not try to impress. and it hurt. You guys I did some ugly crying in that car, and then I realized that I was sitting in the dark, outside, alone in a car and I went to my apartment.
It was a huge moment of weakness for me, and looking back it makes me sad. I am so tired of being the girl who beats herself up because she isn’t super skinny with a thigh gap, I’m tired of wondering what life would be like if I looked a certain way, if my hair was longer. I’m tired of saying thank you when people tell me I look nice/pretty and then walking away not believing it. Most of all I’m tired of being more concerned with how others see me, instead of how God sees me. I don’t want to be the girl who starves herself to lose weight, who looks in the mirror and hates herself, that’s not me, and that’s not you.
It’s sad to realize that we live in a society where your value is based on how you look, where people judge whether you are of worth based on how your body is shaped, or the size of your stomach the hair on your head, the amount of attention from the opposite sex, or the clothes you wear. Most of all it’s sad to think that I’m not the only one who feels this way, that there are girls younger than me, women older than me, who don’t love themselves because they are always picking on something about themselves.
I don’t want to be that, so I will change. Where is that girl who thinks she can conquer the world, where is the girl who doesn’t care about the opinions of others, where is the girl who is content to be herself, where is the girl who is happy as long as she has a book to read.
I will be thankful that I’m alive, I will be thankful that I can see, I will be thankful that I am loved by my parent, my friends and God. I will rejoice in my talents, in the heart that makes me feel deeply, and love outstandingly. I will be glad about the fact that I am unique, that I’m pursuing my dreams, and I won’t let myself be frustrated by what I perceive to be the opinions of others. I will have joy, and peace, and not be jealous. I will realize that you can have the nicest body and still be insecure, because there is always something that we feel unhappy about.
It’s time to stop crying, to stop wondering, to stop beating ourselves up about who we are, and it’s time to embrace it.
Remember that You are beautiful/handsome
You are kind
You are irreplaceable
You are desired
and one day when the time comes, the right one will notice those qualities about you, that are not only seen through the visual eye, and they will love you, and cherish you the way you are meant to be cherished, but first you must love you ❤