I feel so uninspired, unmotivated, bored. For some reason nothing makes me want to move, or be excited. I keep thinking about all of the things I need to do for the next stage of my life, and I get so overwhelmed that I end up sitting in my car, with the seat reclined, wanting a nap.
Maybe it’s because for the longest time, I was so busy that even breathing felt like it needed to be scheduled. My dad once told me that I don’t know how to relax, and he’s right, because now that my life has slowed down considerably (at least for the next year and a half) I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to be challenged, and feel overwhelmed.
Maybe it’s because I can feel winter slowly creeping in. Gross! The cold makes me feel lethargic and I just eat everything in sight. My workout routine that I was enjoying is no longer interesting to me. In fact the thought of working out makes me so tired, and makes me want to crawl under my blankets and sleep. I seem like someone who sleeps a lot, but I really don’t. 5:30am family devotions will do that you.
Maybe it’s because I want to travel more. Going to London has really ruined me. I’ve been back for almost 5 months and I dream about it. About waking up and buying fresh pain au chocolat from Marks and Spence or Waitrose. I miss being able to walk everywhere and observe people. I miss the different languages, different smells, different sounds. I miss primark, and the lighting in the h&m by the bond street station. I miss going out at different times of night and seeing the city change. I miss feeling like I can be someone else, someone that I envision. The city might be hard on my wallet but it’s so good for my soul
Maybe it’s because I feel stuck. There are things that I want to be doing, but because of timing, and how God is teaching me that his schedule is better than mine, I’m struggling. Maybe it’s because I like being in control of everything, and lately find that the amount of things that I can control are dwindling. Family situations, and the issues that my friends are going through make me feel helpless. I want to fix it all, I want us all to be happy, with no conflicts and simpler lives. Maybe it’s because I’m not where I thought I would be 4 years ago, and while I know that the destination hasn’t changed, the speed at which its going is driving me insane. Maybe it’s because for the first time in four years, I’m in a position where I’m being placed in situations where I have to wait for God to do what he does, and can’t fix situations by myself. I need all the grace and strength to get through these stages…