I’ve found myself singing “It is well” a lot more in the last year, and sometimes I’m not sure I actually believe the words that I am saying.
I’ve found myself trying to understand who God is, and why things happen the way they do, and why life is unfair. I’m filled with more questions than answers.
I’ve found myself alone a lot lately, mostly by choice, but also because I feel like God is working on me, and trying to draw me closer through all of this.
I’ve found myself frustrated, exhausted, feeling hopeless and terrified of what I don’t understand or see, holding on to those feelings as if those feelings are a warm blanket that will shield me from life.
I’ve found myself screaming, and crying, and sitting in quietness, throwing tantrums when the timing of God and mine are not in sync.
I’ve found myself looking for answers anywhere that I can get them, from mentors, from the bible, from the internet, and not being satisfied.
I’ve found myself looking for distractions during this dry period, hoping to ignore everything that I see and hear. Emotions sweep me away sometimes.
I’ve found myself fighting the urge to run far, far away from it all, as if running will solve everything and bring clarity, it doesn’t.
I’ve found myself wrestling with thoughts of peace, and thoughts of fear, not knowing what to believe of God, myself, the world, and wanting strength to deal with this all. I feel like Peter when Christ calls him to walk on the water and out of his fear starts sinking. I sometimes find myself sinking
It’s hard to trust someone that you don’t know, and I feel like I don’t know who God is as much as I used to. It’s easy to trust him when you aren’t being tossed around in the waves.
I’ve found God drawing me closer and closer to him in all of this, and me not knowing whether I trust him enough to turn ashes to beauty.
I’ve found God showing me his love and comfort in small things and me not knowing whether to relax in it, or continue to hold on to the fear that another storm will hit.
I’ve found myself singing “It is well” with hope that if I sing it enough times, loudly, broken, surrendering each time, I will believe it wholeheartedly.
I know it is well because God makes it well, he’s done it for me in the past, for others, and will make it well this time.
I find myself being filled with anticipation of how God will have his name glorified in all of this.
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.”
Psalm 40:1-3 NIV