The last three months have been hard, between deaths, and finding out that a friend has cancer, old issues being brought up, people disappointing me, my heart getting broken, and feeling sick, I’m shocked I’ve held up as much as I have.
I’ve struggled with this incredible worry that I will fall into the abyss that is depression and not get out of it, and because of that I haven’t really allowed myself to have negative reactions. I’ve allowed myself to grieve, but just for a little bit, I’ve allowed myself to be angry but then after 5 minutes of it, I start talking myself out of it, not allowing these emotions to run through their course.
Its hard, even after a few years of not being suicidal and heavily depressed, to allow myself to be human, to breathe, to feel. It’s not healthy.
I’ve been learning about perspective and being grateful, and seeing the positives in situations, but I have ignored the fact that I can still be positive and have a good perspective and feel the emotions that the situations in my life cause me to feel.
The struggle is knowing how to balance it all out in a healthy way. Allowing myself to cry here and there, to feel angry, to feel fear, but not dwelling in them and giving it to God. Really, God already knows how I feel about these situations, so bottling them up inside doesn’t do him any favours. I think that because he’s a loving father, he wants complete honesty from me. I can tell him without shame that I’m upset, angry, frustrated, exhausted, at him and those around me and he’ll meet me where I am.
I’m thankful that in the midst of mourning, and anger, and not feeling like he’s there…he’s still there. I’m thankful that when I’m ready to cry out and be honest, he’s ready to listen. I’m thankful that even though I don’t want to read my bible, or pray, or anything like that, there’s music that speaks to my soul and that as I sing the words out, he hears and is ready to comfort. I’m thankful because I know that if God is allowing this to happen, it means that he knows that I’ll get through it.
So to those of you struggling as well, you will make it through. Allow yourself to feel, but don’t dwell in those feelings. Here’s to 2016 being breathable and filled with joy.
Side note: This is one of the best albums ever.